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Tanya00:03:38 - 00:04:30

Hello and welcome to another episode of the Momentum podcast, the show dedicated to inspiring, uplifting, and empowering women on their journey through motherhood. I'm your host, Tanya Valentine, and I'm so glad you're here.If you've been listening to me for a while, let me just say a big thank you from the bottom of my heart. And if you are here for the first time, let me offer you a warm virtual hug and welcome. And let me just say, it's too bad it's not a real hug because I got to say, not to toot my own horn here or anything, but I give pretty good hugs and I learned from the best. My nanny, she was the best hugger. She was known for her hugs. She would always greet everyone and anyone, even if she was just meeting for the first time with a big hug. She would wrap her arms around you and squeeze you tight and she would just hold you there for a minute. It was never rushed.

Tanya00:04:30 - 00:05:33

It was like she was savoring the moment. Like tuning into all her senses, taking in the smell, the touch, the sounds, and just being absolutely present with you in that moment and feeling what it felt like to express her love and kindness onto the recipient of that hug. Anyway, I digress. My hope is that the content shared here is adding value to your life. That you are finding comfort in learning that you are not alone. And we are all going through the same problems, the same issues. And while yes, we all have our own unique set of circumstances, when you peel back the layers, you will find the same underlying themes. Doubts, insecurities, uncertainties, fear, shame, guilt, grief, disappointments, discouragements, frustrations, overwhelm.

Tanya00:05:33 - 00:06:23

They're all feelings. And that's what I want to talk about today. The real reason why we don't do the things we want to do is because of our feelings. We make a decision to do something, either because we're avoiding a feeling that we may view as uncomfortable, or because we want to feel pleasure or just a more comfortable feeling, one that makes us feel good and safe. I was having a conversation with my friend Skylar Anderson recently and she said, I don't like to make decisions based on my feelings. And I was like, oh my gosh, that's so good. That is so smart and wise. And I think that's an excellent approach to take because our feelings lie to us.

Tanya00:06:23 - 00:07:35

We feel fear and we think that means stop. We think that means that we shouldn't do the thing, or maybe we know we should do it even though we are afraid, but we procrastinate just to delay this feeling of fear or that feeling of discomfort. But ultimately, when we procrastinate, we are just piling more negative emotions on top of the fear. Like now there's anxiety, or we feel rushed or unprepared, and then we're unprepared and we don't feel confident, all because we were just delaying this feeling of discomfort when at the end of the day, there's really no escaping it. There's the discomfort you can choose, and then there's the discomfort that chooses you. Now, which side of that do you want to be on? For me, I want to choose my discomfort. And even when we choose our discomfort, this doesn't mean that we get to avoid the challenges that life eventually, inevitably, is going to throw at us. Things are going to happen that are out of our control.

Tanya00:07:36 - 00:08:16

However, if you've had practice with the discomforts that you choose, it's like you were lifting weights at a gym. It's making you stronger, and you will be that much more prepared and ready to handle the unfavorable events that happen in life. Let me give you a couple of real examples of this in my life. So listen to what happened to me yesterday. For the most part, I drive my oldest, Lucia, to school, but I let her make the choice, and every so often, she tells me that she wants to ride the bus. So yesterday was one of those days. So great. I get her on the bus in the morning.

Tanya00:08:16 - 00:09:17

That's all fine and good, but as I go about my know, after I got her on the bus, I had to get my other little ones in the car and drive a half an hour to take Rocco to preschool. Then we drive home from preschool, feed them lunch, clean up from lunch. I nurse Serena because, yes, I'm still nursing Serena, and before you know it, it's time to pick up Lucia. So I drive to her school, get in the car line, and she gets in the car with tears in her eyes, and she's like, mommy, that was the worst thing ever. I was supposed to be a bus rider, and they had to come take me off the bus, and then I had to run, and it felt like it was an emergency, and that was the worst. And I completely forgot. I got caught up in the day, and I don't know how I let it slip my mind, but it just happened. And I couldn't even be mad that she was upset with me.

Tanya00:09:17 - 00:10:12

I could just feel her anxiety and her embarrassment, and I felt awful. I felt like poo. I apologized over and over, and I let her cry because I think it's important for kids to express their emotions and just know that it's okay and safe and actually good for them to feel and express their emotions. But anyway, the next day comes, which was actually this morning, and Lucia decides she wants to be a bus rider again, and she wants to take the bus home. So I'm like, okay, well, I should probably call this school. I mean, I have to anyway to let them know she's going to be taking the bus. But when I call them, I'm going to have to acknowledge what happened yesterday and apologize. Now, this was something that I didn't really want to do.

Tanya00:10:12 - 00:11:42

And when I thought about why that was, it was because I was embarrassed and I was worried what the person on the other line was going to say and then how I then might feel about what they say to me, has this ever happened to you? But I was like, well, I got to do it, so might as well just get it over with. And I think it's important when you are owning up to your mistakes to just be completely honest and vulnerable about what happened. And that's what I did. I was just like, hey, this is Tanya Valentine, Lucia's mom, and I just want to apologize for the confusion that I caused yesterday. And I explained that I just got caught up in the day and that I'm just so used to picking her up from school because that's what we normally do, that I just went to pick her up out of habit and it completely slipped my mind and that she was supposed to be riding the bus until she actually got into my car and told me what had happened and how she was so upset with me. And the woman on the other line was very kind and understanding and I assured her that I would not make the same mistake today. And I told her, I was like, I even made a big note for myself that says Lucia is taking the bus and it's sitting in the middle of our kitchen island, so I won't forget. And we both laughed and I hung up the phone, but it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be.

Tanya00:11:42 - 00:12:31

And I think it helps with the approach that you take with it. Like I said, just owning up to your mistakes and apologizing, recognizing the distress it might have caused and making a promise to do better. And I think it is, too. Having this willingness to feel that discomfort, that uncomfortable emotion, the willingness to feel the embarrassment, the humiliation, just knowing that the worst that can happen is a feeling and feelings aren't going to kill you. So that was my bad mommy moment yesterday. And you guys, I have said it before and I'll say it again. I'm not perfect. I'm far from it.

Tanya00:12:31 - 00:13:18

And this isn't the first time I've messed up and it certainly won't be the last, but I'm going to keep getting better, and that's all we can do, right? So now, here's another example of how feelings can trip you up. Recently, Lucia had a test coming up. Now, she's in kindergarten, and these are just, like, cognitive ability tests. But she had said to me, mommy, I'm scared about my test today. And I'm thinking, like, here we go. She's only in kindergarten, and she's already starting with the test anxiety. I don't want this for her. But I pulled myself together, and I just started to ask her questions to get to the root of the fear.

Tanya00:13:19 - 00:14:32

I asked her, what's so scary about taking the test, and she said, what if I get something wrong? And I said, okay, so what will happen if you get some questions wrong? And I noticed her tension just sort of released because she realized that she couldn't even think of anything bad that would happen if she got some questions wrong. But this is the narrative that we are all living with, and it stops us. I'm talking about this fear that we are all going to do something wrong, that we are going to make the wrong choice, or we're going to say the wrong thing. So then lots of times, what we do is procrastinate, or we don't make the decision. And even by not making a decision, we are actually, in fact, making a decision. But it's not moving us forward to where we want to be. Or maybe we don't speak up, or we don't raise our hand in class because we don't want to say the wrong answer. But then another person raises their hand, gives the answer that you had in mind, and then they get all the credit, and you end up in this, like shoulda, woulda, coulda land.

Tanya00:14:32 - 00:15:14

It's like you're so mad at yourself for not having the courage to speak. I have been there. So many times, I've been there. And I think we have to ask ourselves, what's the worst that can happen? And then the worst that can happen rarely is what actually happens. Right? But the worst that could happen is everyone laughs at you, maybe. Okay, what's so bad about that? Well, then you might feel humiliated. Ah, see, it's a feeling. The worst that could happen is just that feeling of humiliation.

Tanya00:15:15 - 00:16:39

But if we are willing to feel the humiliation, then we get to see what we are truly capable of. And if we make mistakes, so what? That's information that we wouldn't have had had we not put ourselves out there. So how do we get over this? What is the solution? Here are four steps that you can take today to start getting yourself to do the things you ultimately want to do for that long term gain. Number one, it's important, I'm talking vital to ask yourself questions when you notice that you're not doing something that ultimately you know will be good for you long term. Like maybe it's going to the gym. Ask yourself, why? Why am I not going to the gym? Ask yourself, is this important to me? And if so, why is it important to me? Establishing a strong, emotionally driven why will help give you the fuel necessary to push through any discomfort. So maybe the why for working out is that you want to be healthier so that you can have more energy to play with your kids because you know the benefits that it will have on your mental health and your overall well being. And when you feel better, you are going to be a more patient parent.

Tanya00:16:39 - 00:18:13

And kids learn best by way of example, so you will also be serving as an example to them on how to take care of their bodies and establish healthy habits that are going to improve their overall life. Number two, get honest with yourself. Try to train your brain to be on the lookout for excuses, because excuses are going to kill your ambitions. So when you ask yourself, why am I not doing this? Like going to the gym, maybe organizing the house or having a hard conversation? Evaluate your answers and the next question to ask yourself is, is this an excuse? Number three, challenge yourself to come up with solutions to each excuse and obstacle that comes up. Maybe you're not going to the gym because you're telling yourself you don't have time. Is that true? Because we all have the same 24 hours in the day and we make time for what's important to us. So why are you not making it a priority? Are you making it too difficult? In your head? Are you thinking it's not worth doing if you can't work out for an hour? Well, is that true? I work out for 30 minutes a day and that's good enough for me. And something's better than nothing.

Tanya00:18:14 - 00:19:20

So evaluate your day and force yourself to look for a little bit of time where you could squeeze in a quick workout, taking into consideration what your day looks like and your energy levels at that time of day. For instance, for me, I know that at night I am spent. I am just so exhausted and my brain is just spent. So I do not schedule my focus time to do my writing or recording of the podcast. At that time of day, I schedule my focus time activities, things that require a lot of my brain energy for early morning when I'm at my peak, mental state number four, rip off the bandaid. Like Nike says, just do it. Don't allow yourself to negotiate, like saying, well, I'm just so tired, or, I've had a rough day and I can start tomorrow. You don't have to feel like doing it, and you can be afraid and do it anyway.

Tanya00:19:20 - 00:20:23

This is called courage, and this is what creates confidence. Let me tell you a quick story about my instructor from the life coach school. Her name is Janet Archer. Now, within the life coach school, there's a program devoted specifically to increasing confidence. And within this program, they have what they call this dare of the day challenge, where every day, I think it's for like a month, you're supposed to do something that scares you with the idea that you will get practice at doing the things that scare you, which then builds your courage and confidence muscle. Now, Janet told us a story about what she did once for her dare of the day. So she was at a restaurant with some friends, and they saw in the room next door that there was a birthday party going on. Janet decided that for her dare of the day, she was going to basically crash their party and help herself to some cake.

Tanya00:20:24 - 00:21:25

And she actually did this. And she even struck up a conversation with some of the people at the party, introducing herself and asking whose birthday it was. Can you imagine? I don't know if I could do this, but I about died when I heard her tell this story. So, to wrap this up, the real reason we do or don't do something is because how we imagine it will make us feel. We avoid doing the things we view as causing negative emotions, discomfort, and we do the things we believe will give us pleasure or provide comfort. It's important to note that we can't always trust our feelings. For example, we have a feeling like fear, and we think it means stop. And it causes us to avoid or procrastinate, which just piles more negative emotions on top of the fear, like anxiety, feeling rushed, unprepared, and then this lack in confidence.

Tanya00:21:26 - 00:22:43

Remember, the worst that can happen is a feeling, and feelings are not going to kill you. What can stop us many times is being afraid of making the wrong decision or maybe being wrong in general. We got to ask ourselves this question, and it's very simple. It's just two words. So what? So what if I'm wrong? What am I making it mean about me if I'm wrong? Human beings have this tendency to want to be right, and this can get us into trouble in our relationships. You know what I mean? And the growth happens when we get practiced at asking ourselves, but what if I'm wrong about this? When you notice you're afraid to do something, ask yourself, what's the worst that can happen now? What's the best that can happen? And is it worth risking the worst that can happen in order to achieve your goal? The best that can happen? It's like playing the lottery. If you don't ever play, your ods of winning are zero. By way of review, here are the four steps to getting yourself to do the things that ultimately you want to do.

Tanya00:22:43 - 00:23:21

Number one, ask yourself questions, why am I doing this? Or why am I avoiding this? And why do I want this? Number two, tell yourself the truth. Keep your eyes and ears peeled for those excuses. They're silent killers. Number three, come up with solutions to each excuse. What you look for, you're going to find. Number four, take action. Know that each step you take is a step closer to your goal, even when there's a misstep. That's information, just knowledge you would not have had otherwise.

Tanya00:23:21 - 00:23:49

In the words of the legendary Nelson Mandela, I never lose. I either win or I learn. So lean into the discomfort. Run towards discomfort rather than running away from it. Remember, there's the discomfort you choose, and then there's the discomfort that chooses you. There's no denying it. We're all in this earth school together, and there's no avoiding adversity. It's going to find you.

Tanya00:23:50 - 00:24:27

So don't you want to be prepared for it? The way we prepare is by doing hard things, choosing our discomfort, and strengthening our ability to withstand the hard times and bounce back. It's called resilience. Acknowledge yourself for facing your fear. Give yourself credit and be so proud of yourself, no matter what the outcome. Because no matter what the end result is, you faced your fear. And that's saying something about you. It's making you stronger, braver, and more confident. Thank you so much for hanging out with me today, friend.

Tanya00:24:27 - 00:25:01

If you found the content shared in today's episode helpful, can you kindly share it with a friend who could use a boost today? And if you haven't done so already, can I ask that you subscribe, rate and review the podcast. It will only take about two minutes of your time, and it helps the show get into the ears of moms who could use a little positivity and encouragement today. I'd be so appreciative. Thanks again for tuning in. And until next week, keep showing up. I see you and I'm rooting for you. You are doing better than you think. Bye.

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