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Hello and welcome to another episode of the Mom-entum Podcast, the show dedicated to inspiring, uplifting, and empowering women on their journey through motherhood.  I’m your host, Tanya Valentine, and I’m so glad you’re here!  Thank you so much for taking the time to tune in today.

 

How is everyone doing today?   To be honest I have been experiencing a lot of confusion lately which is why I wanted to tackle this subject today.  So let’s talk about it.  What is confusion?  Where does it come from?  What is the effect it has on our lives.

 

Confusion is a cop out.  It’s an excuse that keeps us safe. It allows us to avoid making that decision we don’t want to make. 

 

Underneath the confusion always lies fear. And I think that when we have the awareness enough to recognize when we are confused, we need to be honest in answering this question:

 

 Why am I pretending to be confused?  And I can almost guarantee that at the bottom of any answer you give yourself, at the root of it is some type of fear.  Fear of the unknown.  Fear of making a mistake.  Fear of failure and how you are going to feel if you fail.  Fear that you will be judged, fear of what others will think of you and then how that will make you feel, humiliated, shame, anger.  

 

And when we are confused, we don’t have to make a decision.  We don’t have to put ourselves out there.  We don’t have to take a risk because we are confused, right?  We say to ourselves, “well, I don’t want to make any decisions and do anything until I have this figured out, until I know what is the right thing to do.  And I get that, I do this, too.  But don’t stop there.  If you need clarity then get crystal clear about what are the answers you need to have or what do you need to learn or find out about in order to be able to make this decision and just move forward?

 

Confusion causes avoidance.  When we are confused, we will avoid making a decision because we are so afraid of making the wrong decision. And I think we need to ask ourselves, what’s so bad about making a wrong decision?  Our society and culture has instilled this fear in us to not make the wrong decision.  

 

I will even catch myself with my kids saying to them “was that a good or a bad or right or wrong decision?”  And don’t hear me say that decisions aren’t important.  I do believe that decisions are important, I mean our lives are really a series of decisions.  And the results we have in our lives are determined by the decisions we make.   Its true.  And even when a circumstance presents itself to us that we have absolutely no control over, there is always a decision that we have the opportunity to make of how we will respond.  Ya know, it’s like you ask your kid to clean up her toys and she gives you a blatant “no”, herein lies an opportunity for you to make your decision how you want to respond to that.  Do you yell and exert your power over her by threatening to take things away or do you bribe her with promises or a sweet treat or extra screen time? Or do you just not allow it to bother you and clean up the mess yourself? Or could you make a game out of it?  

 

or do you take into consideration what your daughter is doing, thinking and feeling in the moment that you make your request and maybe say hey I realize that you are in the middle of playing a game right now but I would really like this mess to be cleaned up and I will help you do it so when you are done with your game I would really like you to clean up your toys and this is why its important to me that you do this.  And you can go through the results each of these choices will get you and figure out which result you like best, its like those choose your own ending books my kids love.

 

So yes decisions are important, but don’t let the fear or making the wrong decision paralyze you with confusion.

 

And while there are decisions that I think we would all agree on and label “bad” like physical violence, stealing, causing any type of harm (whether it be physical or emotional or financial) to another individual.  I think we could all agree that those decisions are “bad”.  But I would argue that most of the decisions that we make are not so black and white.  Most of the decisions we make are neutral, they are not good or bad.  And really, at the end of the day its up to us, we get to decide whether or not the decision we made was “good” or bad”.  

 

But I’m getting a little off track here.  When we are so afraid of making a mistake and making the “wrong” decision, we freeze.  And that’s confusion.  And when we freeze we rob ourselves of the opportunity of either making the “right” decision and moving forward or making the “wrong” decision, learning from it, learning what not to do.  

 

And in going through that process we actually gain a lot of knowledge, and guess what, making that “wrong decision” still propelled you forward out of that confusion and stuckness you were in.

 

The problem is that when we are confused, we make no forward movement in our life.  And if you are comfortable, you might be fine with this.  In fact, that could be exactly why you are staying stuck in confusion.  Because you are afraid of the unknown.  You are afraid of change. You are afraid of the discomfort it will cause.  But then this confusion, it eats at you.  It becomes that annoying background noise.  Or its that pebble in your shoe.  It’s annoying at first but you deal with it, but after a while, if you leave it there and don’t do anything about it and you just continue walking, you could have a very painful blister.  

 

And these decisions that we put off making because we are “confused” like you know not signing your kid up for preschool because your not sure which school would be the right fit for him, but you put off the decision too long and whoops registrations closed and now your going to have to wait until next year.  These decisions we avoid, they eventually catch up to us. 

 

And even when we are dissatisfied with our lives, we will avoid making the decisions we need to make for positive change because of that fear of the unknown. 

 

Even when we are not happy with the way our lives are going, we will stay here because it’s familiar and its safe here. And a lot of this is happening subconsciously for us and we wonder why cant we lose the weight, or why cant we stick to that routine?

 

 It can be so challenging to break a “bad” habit or to instill a new, healthy habit is because it’s the unknown, and it’s change, and it’s going to take time and effort to build and sustain and our primitive brains don’t like any of it.  Our primitive brains just want us to stay safe in the cave.  It doesn’t like uncertainty and change because it equates those 2 things to danger, and its that motivational triad your brain likes to seek pleasure, avoid pain, and conserve energy.  Your primitive brain perceives change as painful and something that is going to require a lot of time and effort and discipline.

 

We say well i cant make a decision because im just so confused im not sure what the right thing to do is and we make no forward movement.  Rather than just making a decision and moving forward, and with that decision comes energy and power and forward movement.  Even if we make mistakes or a “wrong” decision.  At least then we would have done something.  At least then we would have moved forward.  And now we know what doesn’t work and with that we have even gathered more information that we can learn from.

 

I will say that one of the best things I learned from my coach was to never say i don’t know.  If you don’t allow yourself to say those words it opens up such a wide array of possibility.  When you say I don’t know it blocks your access to wisdom.

 

When you can catch yourself saying I don’t know, if you can shift to saying “but what if I did know”.  And I know and believe that everything is figureoutable. And if thats true then that means I can and will figure this out. THen it sparks a quest for answers.  In contrast, if your response is “I don’t know” it’s like a stop sign, it stops you and the conversation and the thought process just ends there.  Whereas the “but if i did know then…” is like a yield sign, causing you to slow down and take pause to reflect and think, maybe do a little research and then you move forward.  

 

This has served me so well in so many ways.  Take for example this life coaching business and this podcast I have.  I did not learn at life coach school how to create a podcast, OK?  I did not learn in college or Life Coach School how to create my own website.  There were times I was tempted to think and say well i don’t know how to do that.  But if I just stopped there, that would have been it.  There would be no Tanya Valentine Coaching LLC, there would be no Mom-entum Podcast.  But I shifted to, but if I did know then how would I go about learning how to do these things.  And out comes the magical world of google and youtube.  There are seriously, in this day and age, so many resources available to us, at our fingertips, for free.  I could invest in a course to teach me how.  I could pay someone to do my website, which I did not by the way, I spent the time and effort to figure out that thing all by myself because I was working on a budget.  Plus, I wanted to have that skill to know how to build and navigate a website.  And now I have that skill and its great, and in the future if and when I want to hire someone to do the website for me I will be able to understand the language and the ins and outs of building a website and all that it entails.

 

Even me trying to figure out what to talk about on todays podcast. At some point, I had to make a decision and go with it. Because if I continued to go back and forth with well I don’t know what to talk about and what do people need to hear today and stress about choosing the perfect topic, I would get nowhere.

 

So now that we’ve explored confusion and its impact, I want to share five actionable steps you can take to overcome it. These steps have been game-changers for me, and I hope they will be for you, too.

 

1. Make Decisions:

The first step is to make decisions, even when you’re uncertain. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve found myself stuck, especially when trying to figure out the technical side of my business—something that doesn’t come naturally to me. But every time I just went ahead and made a decision, I found that I learned faster. It’s the fear of making a mistake that often holds us back, but mistakes are just part of the learning process. The more decisions you make, the more momentum you build, and that’s how progress happens.

 

2. Don’t Allow Yourself to Say “I Don’t Know”:

This one is huge. The phrase “I don’t know” shuts down your creativity and stops you in your tracks. Instead, challenge yourself by asking, “What if I did know?” This simple shift opens up possibilities and gets your brain working on solutions. For example, I didn’t know how to start a podcast or build a website, but instead of getting stuck, I asked myself how I could figure it out. That mindset has made all the difference in growing my business and this podcast.

 

3. Journal:

Journaling is a powerful tool for gaining clarity. When you’re confused, take some time to write down your thoughts. Often, just the act of putting your thoughts on paper can help you see things more clearly. It’s a way of processing your emotions and fears, and it can lead to breakthroughs that might not have come through just thinking alone. Plus, it’s a safe space where you can be honest with yourself without judgment.

 

4. Talk It Out with a Coach, Therapist, or Trusted Individual:

Sometimes we just need to talk things out with someone who can provide a different perspective. A coach, therapist, or trusted friend can help you see things you might not see on your own. They can ask you the right questions that get to the heart of your confusion and help you move forward. I’ve found that having someone to bounce ideas off of has been invaluable in my own journey.

 

5. If You Could Be Happy Either Way, Which Would You Choose?

Finally, ask yourself, “If I could be happy either way, which would I choose?” This question helps to strip away the fear and anxiety that often accompany decision-making. It puts the focus back on your happiness and helps you to make choices that align with your values and desires, rather than getting stuck in overthinking.

 

And I do want to offer that ultimately, it’s up to you to decide how you want to interpret the choice you made.  For example, you could be grappling with the choice of whether or not to have a 3rd child.  You get to decide if it was the “right” or “wrong” decision.  You get to decide what to make it mean.  It could be “oh, I’m so glad we had that 3rd baby, I can’t imagine life without her, she has made our family complete”, vs.  “Oh I’m so glad we didn’t have a 3rd baby because now I have more freedom and we have more time and money to invest in other things like taking vacations and investing more in our future, and I can really pour my energy into the two children I have”.  You get to decide.

 

Remember, confusion is just a way of staying safe and avoiding risk, but it’s also a trap that keeps us stuck. By taking these steps, you can break free from confusion, make empowered decisions, and start creating the life you want.

 

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you found this episode helpful, I encourage you to take one of these steps this week and see how it impacts your life. And if you need further support, don’t hesitate to reach out. I’m offering a free 30-minute coaching call where we can work through any areas where you feel stuck or confused.  

 

And if I could ask a favor, If you found today’s show valuable would you please subscribe and leave a rating or review.  It really doesn’t take much time at all and it would greatly help me find and support more mamas like yourself!  And do me and a friend a favor, If you can think of someone who would benefit from the content shared in today’s show, please share it with them!  I will be forever grateful!

 

Until next time, keep moving forward, making decisions, and creating the momentum that will carry you to where you want to be. Take care, and I’ll talk to you soon!