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Hello and welcome to another episode of the Mom-entum Podcast!  I’m your host, Tanya Valentine, and I’m so grateful that you are here!  I know your time is precious, really I do, and I so appreciate you taking the time to tune in today and it is my hope that you get what you came here for!

 

So I want to start the episode off with a question.  And that is what does success mean to you?  Seriously, have you ever truly taken the time to think about this and actually define what it means to you to be successful?

 

What is the criteria to be considered a “successful person”?  And who gets to decide whether or not a person or a project is successful?  How is success measured?

 

Can you take some time right now to think about your definition of success?  Finish this sentence: a person is successful when he or she fill in the blank.

 

Is it when they hit a specific financial goal, or when they graduate college and earn a degree, or is it in the number of friends or followers you have, or when you raise children who are contributing members of society?  Or is it when you are doing the very best you can on any given day?  Or when you have a general sense of happiness and fulfillment with life?

 

When I looked up the definition of success this is what I found:

 

Success can be defined in various ways depending on personal values and goals. Generally, it refers to the achievement of a set goal or desired outcome. It involves reaching a state where one's ambitions or objectives are fulfilled. Success might encompass professional achievements, personal growth, or the attainment of specific milestones. For many, it also includes finding satisfaction and happiness in one's life and work. Ultimately, success is subjective and can vary widely from person to person.

 

This is a question that I myself had to ponder and this was the answer that I came up with:

 

Success is when I am living true to the values that God intended me to live by.  It’s when I live by the golden rule, treating others the way I would like to be treated.  It’s when I can admit my mistakes, apologize and do my best to make things right.  It’s when I set goals for myself and then I put in the work to achieve that goal.  It’s when I overcome my fears.  It’s when I try, like genuinely put forth my best effort in achieving my desires.  Its when the way I want to show up and the way I actually do show up are aligned.

 

And I gotta tell ya, there are many times when I feel pretty unsuccessful.  Like for example, very often this Mother role I’m playing, I can feel like I’m such a failure at this thing.  But you know what I’ve learned?  The most successful people are not those who have never failed.  The most successful people in fact are the one’s that have failed the most.  The difference is  they never give up.  They fail, and then they use those failures as a learning opportunities.  It’s like Nelson Mendela said “I never lose, I either win or I learn”.

 

So in those times in our role as Mother when we feel like a complete failure, can we remember this valuable lesson from Mr. Mandela?  Can we remind ourselves that the most successful people in the world actually fail quite often, but what makes them successful is that they don’t quit and they look at every failure as a learning opportunity.

 

About a year and a half ago I was feeling pretty unsuccessful.  It had been about 7 months since I left my decade long career as a nurse to stay home with my babies and pursue my dream of having my own life coaching practice.  I had dreams of starting my own podcast all while at the same time balancing life for the first time as a stay at home mom.  It was a weird transition and I felt like I had lost my identity.  Starting a business was new to me and there was so much to learn.  I had to learn about marketing and social media, which I knew nothing about.  I have hated social media since it’s beginning.  It is just something that I have had a natural aversion to.  I just don’t like the way I feel when I’m on there, and I have such a strong value of using my time wisely and productively, so naturally I shy away from things like social media which can be a total time suck.  

 

So anyways, I was feeling sort of lost and not really making any forward movement on my goals when I was listening to the Ed Mylett show and he was doing an interview with Tony Robbins.  I had been following Tony Robbins for a while and a few months back watched a documentary I think it was on Netflix about his Date with Destiny event.  And I remember watching this thing  late at night when I was up for  one of Serena’s middle of the night feedings, but I remember watching it and being so inspired and thinking wouldn’t it be amazing to someday go to one of his events.  Well then, I’m listening to Tony on this podcast and he’s talking about this virtual event he is doing called Unleash the Power Within.  And it’s a 3 day immersive event, meaning the event lasts all day for 3 days.  And the promise is to unlock and access this power that we all have within ourselves to create the lives we desire.  Tony says “there is a powerful driving force inside every human being that, once unleashed, can make any vision, dream or desire a reality”.  And this really spoke to me and evoked something in me, I thought this is what I need.  I need to light a fire within myself to get some momentum here so I can actually make some progress with this thing.  

 

So anyway I felt so excited that this event would be virtual, and although it was an expense, it wasn’t anything completely outrageous.  And I do believe in the value of investing in our most important asset, our brains. Optimizing this computer we all have access to in between our ears is the most important thing we can do for ourselves. Our brains store information we need to survive and thrive, it allows us to find solutions to problems, we can use the information that we learn and store in our brains to create and bring our deepest desires to life.  Think about the things that you spend money on that lose their value so fast, your car, clothes, shoes, purses.  Even money can depreciate in value and things can happen, nothing is guaranteed in this life.  God forbid, some unforeseen event might happen tomorrow that has the potential to drain your savings account.  But when you invest in learning a new skill, no one and nothing can take that away from you.

 

And I like to think of it this way too.  Our brains can be used as either a weapon or a tool.  When used correctly, we use it as a tool that can help us build the life that we want.  However, when we don’t know how to use it properly, meaning when we aren’t aware of how this thing works and how to use it to our advantage or how to overcome the default settings that keep us stuck.

 

  Our brain has so many built in survival mechanisms that are designed to keep us safe, however these can actually be very destructive when it comes to us creating the life we want for ourselves.  For example, say you are single and you don’t put yourself out there on dating websites or you don’t approach that cute guy you see all because your survival brain is holding you back, telling you it’s not safe and you might be rejected or hurt.  But then this prevents you from meeting a partner to share your life with.  But there are ways that you can overcome your survival instincts and your brains built in defense mechanisms that prevent you from getting what you want in life.  And this is exactly what the hope was for me when I invested in this live event. 

 

I looked at it as an opportunity to figure out what was holding me back, to go deep and figure out what were the subconscious beliefs that were holding me hostage, and learn strategies that I could use to kind of direct my brain where to go instead of letting my brain control me.

 

So anyways this was such a cool experience getting to connect with thousands of people from all over the world, all who were there with the same object of hoping to overcome some block, to unleash something within themselves that would help take them to that next level of where they want to be.  So I got through it and I have so much to say about it really, there was so much I learned. But today we are talking about success so I wanted to talk about the ultimate success formula that I learned from this event.

 

So the Ultimate Success Formula is this.

 

1. You need to know your outcome. It’s essential to have clarity over what you want and what you’re trying to achieve. Think of it this way: if you get in your car without knowing your destination, you’ll end up driving around aimlessly. This is what many of us do—we wander around hoping that what we want will just fall into our laps. But this rarely happens, does it? 

 

So, the first step is to get completely clear and focused on your outcome. Be as specific as possible, ensuring your goal is measurable and time-bound. This clarity allows you to gauge where you are in relation to your goal, helping to inform your decisions. When your goal is specific, measurable, and time-bound, you’ll know when you’ve achieved it, unlike a vague goal where attainment is ambiguous.

 

This clarity is crucial because it directs all your subsequent actions and helps prevent the overwhelm that comes from focusing on a long list of tasks. Starting with a clear outcome is vital to achieving success.

 

I have to do this with my kids on the days they go to my mother in laws house so I can work.  My kids can be such slow movers in the morning or whenever we have to head out the door.  Now they love going to their Gigi’s house, so what I have to do when they are dragging, complaining that they have to brush their teeth or get dressed, or when they hide from me I just remind them and say “ok I guess you don’t want to go to Gigi’s house” and then they quickly get their act together and cooperate.  And by the way, I have to do this multiple times while we are in the process of getting ready, because you know, kids' attention spans, but it works every time.  It just gets their attention, and gets them to focus on what is the result we are working towards, going to Gigi’s house, rather than focusing on the list of tasks required to get there, which would just overwhelm them, and to be honest doesn’t sound like much fun.

 

Ok, moving onto number 2, know your reasons why.  In the words of Tony Robbins, we only get our musts in life.  So you ask yourself, why is this a must for me?  If it is a “should” for you, you are a lot less likely to follow through on your commitments.  So make your reason for achieving this result a MUST.  

 

Ask yourself what would make this a must for me?  Why do I want this?  Why is it important to me?  Imagine what your life will be like once you have achieved this goal.  

 

For example, is it a weight loss goal?  Imagine how you will feel in your body once you have reached this goal?  Will you feel more comfortable and confident?  Will you have more energy to do the things that you want to do like play with and enjoy your kids?  Or maybe you will be more likely to say “yes” to opportunities that come your way.  For example, a friend invites you on an all expenses paid beach vacation but you say no because you don’t feel comfortable in a bathingsuit. 

 

 Or maybe the goal is to stop yelling at your kids.  And your reason why is that you want to have a close relationship with them, that you want them to love you and not fear you.  You want them to feel comfortable coming to you with anything, and you want to be a positive and influential person in their lives, and when they are adults you want to keep that good relationship going so that they genuinely enjoy being around you versus feeling obligated to call or visit with you, or worse they flat out dont call or visit at all.  Plus, you want to lead by example in showing them there are better ways of dealing with your emotions and problems than yelling.  You want to be a role model for positive, constructive conflict resolution.  You might not have been shown this when you were a child, and God bless your parents, they were doing the best they could with their own emotional wounds, with the resources that were available to them and how they were raised, but you want to end that generation's long cycle. You want to be the one who draws the line in the sand and says this ends now. Because you want what’s best for your children and you want to teach them the best, most effective ways to deal with problems so that they can go on to lead successful lives in every definition of the word.

 

Having a compelling why for achieving your goal will help you do the things necessary to get there even when it seems so hard, even when you are tired, even when the obstacles come up and it feels like the odds are stacked against you.  Reminding yourself of a strong, emotionally driven why will help keep you motivated and focused.  So maybe pull up that notes app on your phone right now, or write your why on a sticky note and post it somewhere it will be visible frequently throughout the day, like maybe the fridge or your bathroom mirror.  Having a frequent reminder of the reason why you are doing these hard things toward achieving your goal will help keep your focus.  And where focus goes, energy flows.

 

There is so much these days demanding our attention because of these phones that we have which are both a blessing and a curse.  But also, I think we can all agree that as moms our focus is being demanded from all directions it seems.  You’ve got your one kid who’s potty training, hollering at you to wipe her butt.  Simultaneously, your other 2 kids are battling over who gets the clicker.  Meanwhile, you are still trying to clean the kitchen after breakfast, plus you’ve got the laundry going.  And you’ve gotta get this one off to school on time.  And don’t forget it’s “wear the color green” day at school.  Oh and it’s this kids’ day to bring a snack for the class.  And after school this one has soccer, and the other one has gymnastics, and oh yeah, what are we having for dinner tonight? And Oh yeah I still have to rsvp and buy a gift for that birthday party.  And we’ve got bills to pay and a house to keep up with.  We’ve got dentist and doctor’s appointments.  It can all be so overwhelming.  

 

We must make efforts to purposefully, intentionally direct our focus, or else life will do it for us.  And if we don’t make efforts to direct our brains and give it something to focus on, it has the potential to be very destructive.  It’s like my teacher, Brooke Castillo says, your brain left unsupervised, is like a toddler with a knife.  We’ve got to pay attention to our thoughts and what we are focused on.  Because our thinking informs our emotions.  The quality of our life is the quality of how we feel most of the time.  

 

What we focus on and what we think about directly affects our emotional state.  And our emotions are the fuel for all of the actions we take.  Think about it.  Let’s say you encounter the cashier at the grocery store and she doesn’t acknowledge you, she doesn’t say hello, and she proceeds to scan all your items with this frown on her face.  You might be tempted to think “what’s her problem?” or “She’s so rude.” and these thoughts then affect your emotions leaving you feeling, I don’t know, maybe angry or offended or some kind of other negative emotion.  And these emotions then drive your actions, maybe you don’t actually say something that is directly negative but it can affect the tone in your voice and your demeanor.  And you might be short with her, or just kind of aloof, or maybe you mirror the frowned look on her face.  Alternatively, though, you could think of it as an opportunity to be the source of positivity in her day.  Like you could be the one positive interaction she has that changes the course of her day.  You could wonder what she might be feeling right now?  Maybe she has something going on at home, maybe her dog died, or maybe shes suffering a health condition, maybe the customers before you were rude to her, and maybe like so many of us she is just dealing with her own inner demons and she is just feeling really bad about herself.  You could wonder, what is she feeling?  And I wonder why she is feeling that way?  And now your feelings went from anger and offended to curious and compassionate.  So then what kinds of actions are fueled by curiosity and compassion.  Maybe you offer a warm “hello” and you smile, maybe you ask her about herself.  Maybe you tell a joke or offer some positive encouragement.  Then you leave the scene feeling so much better, so much lighter, than you would have had you ignored her or had mirrored that negative attitude.  Right?

 

So take control over what you focus on.  And do this by reminding yourself of the outcome you are after and why it is important to you.  And keep this top of mind by using visual cues to remind you at various points in your day.

 

Ok so now that you’ve got crystal clear on your desired outcome and you have identified  a strong “why”, now it’s time for step number 3 which is “take massive action”. It is now that you take the time and brainstorm everything that needs to occur in order for you to achieve that outcome.

 

So without getting overwhelmed, take some time right now to write down what are the necessary steps to achieving your goal?

 

For example.  Say the goal is to lose 10 pounds in 3 months.  Totally doable.  What do you need to do in order to make that goal inevitable.  You will need to clean up your diet and exercise.  Ok so what does it mean to clean up your diet?  Decide ahead of time the foods you will eat and what will be eliminated or restricted. Create a plan.  When will you eat?  Plan your meals ahead of time.  Weigh yourself every day.  Come up with an exercise plan.  What days of the week will you exercise?  At what time?  Where will you exercise?  At home?  At the gym?  Do you need to sign up for a gym membership?  Try to make your tasks as simple as possible because this will help guarantee success.  Your brain will avoid complex tasks because one of the built in survival mechanisms is to conserve energy and complex tasks require a lot of brain energy.  So put in the work ahead of time to think about what will make me more likely to follow through with my exercise routine?  Think about what your schedule is like and consider how you typically feel at various times in the day?  Are you more likely to work out first thing in the morning before the rest of your family wakes up and the demands on you begin?  And if so, what would make it easier for you to work out?  Maybe you sleep in your work out clothes.  Maybe you keep your sneakers right next to the bed.  Maybe you find an accountability partner and you have someone meet you at the gym.  Or maybe you hire a trainer or a coach.  Someone who will keep you accountable and hold that vision for you even when you have lost hope.  Your coach won’t judge you, she won’t discourage or condemn you.  She will just say, hey, let’s talk about what it going on for you.  We won’t ignore it, or judge it.  But instead feel it, try to understand it, have compassion for it and then remember this is what we are working towards and this is why you want it and you are capable of making this dream a reality, you have it in you, and I believe in you and I believe in your vision. And if you don’t have a coach or some sort of accountability partner, I highly recommend it!  In fact, the American Society of Training and Development found that people are 65% more likely to meet a goal after committing to another person and their chances of success increase to 95% when they build in ongoing meetings to check in on their progress.  If I have sparked your interest and you would like help achieving your goals, I am still accepting new clients.  For more information you can go to tanyavalentinecoaching.com and click on the work with me, and you can also find the link to sign up for a free 30 minute coaching call wherever you are listening to this podcast today.

 

So make that list of actions you must take to achieve your desired outcome, and then schedule these things on your calendar and follow through.  

 

Ok so the 4th step in the ultimate success formula is to know what you’re getting.  This includes regular check ins to see where you at on achieving your goal.  How close are you to achieving your goal?  And are you right on track or have you gotten off course?  And, by the way, this is why we make our goals measurable.  So if your goal is a weight loss goal, are you measuring yourself everyday?  And if so, what is your weight now in comparison to your goal weight?  Do not judge yourself if you aren’t where you wanted to be right now, instead just move on to step 5 of the success formula which is….

 

Change your approach until you get what you want.  So if the original approach is not working, try not to let your emotions take over, try not to judge yourself.  Just act like a scientist going through the scientific method, which is all this really is.  And wonder to yourself, ok that didn’t work.  I wonder why?  And what could I change that might move me closer to my goal?  

 

So that’s it.  That’s the ultimate success formula.  And by way of review, to help you achieve success in any of your endeavors, follow this fool-proof formula:

 

1. You must know your outcome.  Write down a specific, measurable and time bound goal.

2. Know your reasons why.  Why is achieving this outcome a MUST for you?  Reminding yourself that in life you will only do what is a must!  This is the purpose of your goal, and something you must come back to when the going gets tough, and your tried, and you want to quit.  I recommend writing your clear outcome and your “why” in a note on your phone or on a post it note thats visible to you at various times in your day, to keep it top of mind.

3. Take massive action.  Brainstorm a list of actions you must take to achieve your goal, schedule them on the calendar and get to work. 

4.  Notice the results your getting.  Schedule time on your calendar for regular check ins to notice the progress you’ve made toward achieving your goal.

5. If it’s not working, change your approach until you get what you want.

 

Well, there you have it.  My goal today was to help motivate and inspire you to recognize your personal power and know that whatever that thing is that you want, whatever it is in your life that you want to change, you do have the power to change it.  And I know that if you take what you learned today and put it into action, then you will be successful in your efforts.  And don’t allow yourself to be overwhelmed by this process.  Maybe your next step is to re-listen to this episode and take notes.  I encourage you though, that at the very least, when you are through listening to this episode, get out a sticky note or the notes app on your phone and write down your desired outcome.  Make sure that it is specific, measurable, and time bound so that you know when you’ve achieved it.  Then write your reason why you want it.  Make sure that this reason why is compelling enough to generate the emotions required to push you on the days when it’s going to be tough.  Emotions like committed, determined and persistent are really great ones when it comes to getting yourself to do hard things!  

 

So that is your homework for this week.  I would love to hear what you are working on!  Please share it with me on IG or FB and tag me @tanyavalentinecoaching!  By doing this, it will help give you accountability, because by posting publicly or even just telling one other person about your goal, it will make you that much more likely to follow through and be successful with it!  

 

Alright friends!  That’s a wrap!  Thank you so much for tuning in today!  If you found this show valuable I would so appreciate it if you would share it with family and friends, and if you subscribe, and leave a rating or review this greatly helps more people to find The Mom-entum Podcast and support my vision of helping overwhelmed Moms all over the world find more peace!   Alright, until next week, happy goal setting! Bye!