
I was talking to a friend last night who is recovering from a breakup and she said something that struck me. She said the pain from the breakup wasn't worth the experience of the relationship. I worry that if this is what she believes, she may not open herself up to love again, for the fear of it not working out and experiencing this pain again wouldn't be worth all of the good that could come from it.
Life is hard. There's no doubt about it. But it's also beautiful. When we are in the thick of something challenging, it can be hard to notice the good and the possibilities around you. This is called the negativity bias. It's a cognitive bias that refers to the tendency for people to pay more attention to and give more weight to negative information than positive information. It's like when you are getting feedback on your performance at work and you receive a slew of compliments, but your brain gets stuck on the one criticism you received.
I'm not saying that we should feel good all of the time. I believe in the concept that life is designed to be 50/50 (half negative, half positive). I believe that without the negative we would have no frame of reference for what's "good". Would you really appreciate what happy feels like without the sadness? Would you appreciate a beautiful, sunny, 80-degree day without the rainy days? I believe we are here on this Earth to experience the breadth of human emotion. When you are going through a loss, whether it be from someone dying, to a break up or a divorce, loss of a job, or the end of a friendship, you want to feel sad, don't you? Do you want to feel happy about someone close to you dying? My guess is your answer is no.
We are mistaken when we think we are supposed to be happy all of the time. Then we become unhappy about being unhappy. We worry there is something wrong with us, when the truth is we are a perfectly healthy human being having a human experience. When we go through challenging times, it helps us empathize and be compassionate with others who have had a similar experience. It can allow us to be more forgiving of certain behavior when we can relate to what the other person is going through. This fosters connection because ultimately I think what we are all longing for is to be understood.
With everything I mentioned above in mind, here are 3 steps to feeling better when you're going through something hard:
Feel it to heal it. Don't gaslight yourself. Don't tell yourself you shouldn't be feeling this way. Don't avoid, or resist the feeling. Suppressed emotions get stored in the fascia of our body and can manifest as both psychological and physical symptoms such as aches and pains, digestive issues, trouble sleeping, and difficulty concentrating among other things. Below are the steps to processing an emotion.
Start by identifying the emotion. For example you could say either out loud or in your head "this is grief".
Next describe how the emotion feels in your body. Do a body scan from head to toe. How does it feel in your head? Your chest? Your arms, etc? Use descriptive words. Does it have a color? Does it have a shape? Is it moving? Is it fast or slow? Does it have a texture?
Relax your stomach as you do this and take deep breaths in and out of your nostrils. Allow your stomach to protrude out during the inhale, this will help your lungs expand, optimizing your oxygen intake.
Remind yourself that it is ok to feel this. This is what's real for you right now. This emotion cannot hurt you, it is simply a vibration in your body.
2. Stay open. Be open to receiving new ideas and trying new things. Be open to receiving help, support and love. Our brains want to be right so much so, that we end up self-sabotaging to prove our beliefs true. If you are believing that the love you experienced wasn't worth the pain, you might find yourself living in fear of experiencing that pain again. You could end up blocking yourself from any opportunity that comes your way because you have this belief that the benefits of allowing yourself to fall in love will not outweigh the risk of getting hurt again. Question your beliefs. Being completely honest with yourself, ask is this true? What else could be true? Is it true that you didn't learn anything from that experience?
3. Decide what you want. I recommend for this third step getting out a pen and paper and writing down your answers to these questions:
How do you want to move forward from here?
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2. Once you are clear about what it is that you want, ask yourself what are the actions you must take to get there?
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3. What would you need to be feeling to take those actions (ex: courage, confidence, faith, determination)?
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4. What would you need to believe in order to feel that way? Look for evidence to support this belief in your life.
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If you're going through a tough time right now, my friend. I feel for you. I totally support you and I'm sure you have other people around who will support you as well if you let them. Don't be afraid to be vulnerable, ask for help when you need it. Know you are never alone. Also find comfort in knowing that this is temporary. This too shall pass. At the end of your life, do you want to look back and say I played it safe, I didn't take any risks, I kept my heart shielded? Or do you want to say your heart was big, and open, and broken often? Your heart is a muscle. Just as when we work out, the process of repairing and adapting to micro tears increases muscle mass and makes us stronger. Our heart gets bigger and stronger with each heartbreak. Embrace the discomfort, move through it, you will come out on the other side of it evolved and more prepared for any challenge that comes your way.
For more tips, insights, and inspiration I invite you to scroll down and subscribe to my newsletter which goes out twice a month (every other Monday). And if you feel stuck, if you need help getting clear about what you want and developing a strategy to get there, I encourage you to click here to schedule yourself a free 30 minute mini coaching session with me! If more balance is what you are looking for, for a limited time I am offering a $19 life balance strategy session, click here to sign up now!
Have an amazing week!
With so much love, admiration, and respect,
Tanya
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