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Hello and welcome to another episode of The Mom-entum Podcast.  If you are listening for the first time, welcome, I want you to know that you belong here.  And if you are a long time listener, of course, let me remind you that you belong here, and I want you to know how grateful I am that you have stuck around, and that you continue to spend your most valuable assets, your time and attention with me.  I appreciate you, I see you, and I’m here to encourage you and walk through this journey alongside you, you are not alone.

 

If you’re listening today, then my guess is you must have a problem to solve.  And who doesn’t.  There is not a single person on this Earth that can go through life without a problem to solve.  So congratulations, you’re human.  

 

So ok you have this problem, or if you’re like most of us, there may be a few right.  But is there one specifically that sticks out to you?  And you are actively looking for solutions for this problem? And maybe you came across this podcast episode and it caught your attention.  I want you to know, I don’t believe that was an accident, or a coincidence.  There is something in this episode for you, that is meant for you.  And I promise, if you are open to learning today, and if you put into practice the tool I’m about to share with you today, your life will change, just like mine has since I learned of this tool,

 

You will start to view things in a totally new perspective.  This tool that I’m about to share with you is going to empower you to be able to solve any problem in your life, whether that be a problem in your relationships, with your spouse, if you want to lose weight, if you need motivation, if you feel stuck, you are struggling making a decision, your sick of being so grumpy and you want to feel like you like your kids more, or you just want to generally feel better and be better equipped to handle the inevitable struggles we face from day to day.  This tool is your resource.

 

It will help you see these issues for what they are, help you zoom out and see the whole picture.  Help you see that most of the things in our life that we think are problems are actually not, they really don’t even matter.  We create problems with our minds.  And using this tool will help you see that.  And know that we can also use this same mind that created the problem, to solve it.  And it will help you get to a place where you can show up and tackle the problem in a way that you can be proud of.

 

Ok so what am I talking about.  I’m talking about the main coaching tool I use called the Model.  And I can’t take credit for this, I learned it from my amazing coach and teacher, Brooke Castillo, who I earned my coach certification from.  

 

The Model is made up of 5 categories and basically everything in life can be put into one of these 5 categories of the model.

 

So when you are using the model, you will need a pen or pencil and paper, think of it as a journaling practice.  I prefer to use a pen or pencil and paper, but you could also type it out.  But there is something about the physical action of putting pen to paper. And there’s a reason for that. When you write things down by hand, you actually slow your brain down just enough to really process what you’re thinking. It’s not as fast and automatic as typing, which means you’re more intentional — and that helps your brain remember it better.

Handwriting also engages more of your senses — the feel of the pen, the motion of your hand, even the way your words look on the page. All of that makes what you’re writing feel more personal and connected to you.

And this is why journaling with pen and paper can be so powerful. It forces you to pause, reflect, and put real words to the thoughts swirling around in your head. It gives you clarity. It helps you untangle the cluttered mess in your head and actually feel your feelings instead of rushing past them. 

So on your paper you are going to need a line for each category of the model.  The 5 categories are circumstance, thought, feeling, action, and result.  So on your paper make sure you have at least 5 lines for each category.  So on the first line you will write a C for circumstance.  Now skip down to the next line and write T for thought. On the line below that you will write a F for feeling.  Below that, an A for action.  And finally, below the A, you will write a R for your result.

So now let me explain each category of the model and I’ll give you examples of each so it’s easier for you to understand.  And then after I describe each line of the model, I will explain how you can use the model to solve any problem in your life.

So the first line is your circumstance, also known as your C line. Circumstances are always neutral. This line has to be free from any descriptive words or adjectives.   Often we think that the circumstance is the problem that creates all of our emotional turmoil, but it’s not.  It’s always our thoughts about the circumstance creating our feelings, and then our feelings fuel our actions, which then give us the result we have in our lives.  Circumstances are always neutral, meaning they are not inherently good or bad.  And this can be hard to wrap your head around if you are new to this work, because there are going to be things, circumstances that you will swear are bad.  Like for example, somebody dying.  But someone dying is not inherently bad.  Why?  Because not everyone would feel the same way, would be affected the same way with regards to an individual's death.  For example, let’s say your grandmother died.  You will feel very differently about your grandmother’s death vs. a stranger dying.  Also, you can think about the circumstances of the death, you are going to think a lot differently about a loved one who has been suffering with alzheimers for years, doesn’t recognize any of their family members, isn’t able to feed themselves, or take care of themselves anymore.  Their death might feel like a relief to you, you might feel relieved that there is finally an end to their suffering and they are in a better place now.  Versus how you would feel about a child dying, which might have you feeling angry or devastated.  Another way to think about it is, what if someone you knew died 2 days ago but you are just finding out today. They died two days ago but you were not sad about it because you did not know of their passing. So it wasn’t their death that caused the sadness, if that were true then you would’ve been sad 2 days ago. So it’s not until it hits your brain and then you have the thought about that persons death that causes the feeling of sadness. Are you with me?

So to bring this together, circumstances are the facts.  They are things that could be proven in a court of law to be true and everyone in the whole world when asked at any given time in history would agree upon to be true.  Things like it is raining outside.  Or the temperature outside right now is 70 degrees.  Or the date of your birth.  Or where you live.  How much you weigh.  The specific words someone says.  These are all examples of circumstances.

And by the way, of these 5 categories, this first line of the model, the circumstance line, is the only line of the model that is not within our control.  And that’s great news, because that means you have the power to change the next 4 lines of the model.

So next we will move down to the thought line of the model abbreviated with the letter T.  So you will write a T on this line and this is where your thought about the circumstance will go.  And your thoughts are the sentences in your brain.  It’s our thoughts about the circumstances in our lives that determine our feelings, and then our feelings drive our actions, and what we do or don’t do from that feeling is what gives us our results.

So think of your thought as the story.  Sometimes the most powerful part of doing this work is just pulling apart the facts from the story.  The facts being the circumstance and the story about the circumstance are representative of our thoughts.  So there is a circumstance, which is not inherently good or bad until we have a thought about it.  For example, let’s say it’s 75 degrees outside.  Your thought is it’s hot out.  It’s hot is just a thought.  Because it’s your opinion.  Not everyone would agree that 75 degrees is hot, in fact some people might think it’s cold outside.  Or maybe your child tells you that she hates you.  Your thought about that might be she is so disrespectful.  Her being disrespectful is not a fact.  The fact is that daughter said the words “I hate you”.  Then the story, what you made that mean is that she is being disrespectful.  Now, yes I’m sure that many of us would agree that that is disrespectful, but it is just a thought.  It’s not a fact.  If it was, then it would have to be true 100% of the time.  Which my guess is, that its not.  My guess is there are plenty of times when she is not acting disrespectful. And would everyone agree that the words “I hate you” is disrespectful?  Probably not.  And do you think your daughter really doesn’t respect you because in a heated moment she chooses these words.  Probably not.  It’s most likely coming from anger.  And how many of us have said things that we don’t mean or that we might regret when we are angry? I know I have!

Ok so, on this line write your thought about the circumstance.  The thought should just be 1 short sentence, and it should not be a question.  If it’s a question then answer the question and have that be your thought.  For instance, say your thought is, “what if I fail?” then maybe change the thought to “I could fail”.  Why this is important is that underneath that question is the actual thought that is causing the problem.  You always know the answer to the question, down deep, so force yourself to answer in order to get the best results from this exercise.

Ok so moving on to the feeling line, also known as the F line.  Write the letter F for feeling here, and then write down the emotion that you feel when you think the thought you wrote above this line about the circumstance.  

Now let me just take a moment to briefly describe what the feeling is.  A feeling is a vibration in your body.  And it is different from a sensation in that a feeling starts in your brain and then travels to your body, rather than a sensation like for instance pain when you touch a hot stove that would originate in your hand and then travel to your brain to say it’s hot, remove your hand immediately before you get burned!

So some examples of feelings are anger, regret, resentment, committed, motivated, happy, grief, joy, excitement, elated, depressed, fear, anxiety. So on this F line narrow it down to one specific emotion that comes up for you when you think that thought.  

And remember, the reason we do or don’t do anything is because how we imagine we are going to feel.  The reason why we want anything is how we imagine we would feel in the achieving of it.  We shy away from public speaking because we don’t want to feel fear, or humiliation in case we mess up in front of a large group of people.  We eat a cookie because we want to experience pleasure, or maybe its to escape an emotion like anxiety.

And it’s our emotions that fuel our actions.  So think, when you are feeling that emotion, because of your thought about the circumstance, what is it that you do or don’t do?  And that’s going to bring us down to our A-line or Action line.  So below your F-line, write the letter A and after it, write all of the things that you do when you feel angry because you are thinking the thought “my daughter is being disrespectful”.  

Maybe you punish her, maybe you raise your voice, maybe you say something you don’t mean to her.  Really spend some time here and think about all of the things that you do from this place of anger.  Even the cognitive action, the things that we might not necessarily see you doing, but the internal stuff going on.  For example, you are judging her, you are catastrophizing, thinking that if she acts like this now then it's going to be a catastrophe when she is a teenager.  Maybe you are looking for evidence in your mind to prove that thought true, that she really is disrespectful.  Like how about all of the times she leaves her dirty clothes on the floor after the numerous times you have told her to put them in the hamper, or the way she never listens the first time when you ask her to do something, or all of those times she talks back to you.  

Now stop and think, if you weren’t feeling angry, how do you think you might act with her?  And the answers to this question will present to you a list of things that you are not doing.  For example you are not speaking calmly to her,  you are not validating and acknowledging her feelings by saying I can see you are angry, that’s completely understandable you would feel this way, and I know that you are completely capable of processing your anger without using such harsh words.  You're not trying to understand your daughter's perspective.  

Think about that for a second.  How often when we are in a fit of rage, do we seek to understand the other person's actions first? There is a Bible verse, James 1:19, that says – “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” And wow, if we all lived by this standard, just think how different our lives would look right?  Think of the fights we could avoid, how better would our relationships be? Maybe we would have a larger community of support around us because we haven’t cut certain people out of our lives for a lack of seeking to understand why they did or said the things they did.

 But anyway, when you are angry, you probably are not pausing to take deep breaths.  You are not walking away so that you can cool off before you respond. And then when you stop and take a look at all of your actions and inactions, it will reveal to you your result.

Which brings me to the next line of the model, the result line or the R-line.  So once you have all of your actions and inactions written out, skip down to the next line and write the letter R.  And once you have taken the time to look at your action line, ask yourself, what is the result I created for myself here?  And most likely the result you create is going to be a direct reflection of your thought.  For example you think your daughter is disrespectful, you feel angry, you then yell at her, you don’t really care how she’s feeling because you are just so mad, you say something you don’t mean, you don’t seek to understand her, you fight back, you make threats, you punish.  And my guess is the way you react to her is not how you would respond to a friend or a coworker.  And guess what, your result is that you are disrespecting your daughter.  Crazy right?  Think about it, yelling at her, not regulating your own emotions, not speaking calmly to her, not acknowledging how she feels, this is all pretty disrespectful right?  

Why this helps is that you are slowing things down.  You are getting a snapshot of a specific moment in time so that you can look a little deeper, understand what happened.  Understand why you got so upset, and then the actions you took in order to create this result.  We see that we are the ones creating the result. The reason we are being disrespectful to our daughter is because we are thinking “she is disrespectful”, it’s not that she said, “I hate you” creating that result.  Why?  Because we are actually choosing to think this thought.  Believe it or not, there is someone out there who could be put in this exact situation and they do not choose this thought, instead they think she doesn’t mean that, and then they don’t get angry and they respond with compassion.

Know that everything you feel is a choice.  I know it doesn’t feel that way sometimes, but it’s true.  And that should feel so empowering to you!

So how can we actually use this tool — The Model — to solve problems in our lives?

The first step is to run an Unintentional Model. This is where you get honest about the result you’re currently creating and why. It’s the awareness step — and awareness is always the first step to change. Because you can’t shift a problem you don’t fully understand.

It’s like Carl Jung says, “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.” 

Awareness is the first step. You can’t intentionally change what you can’t first clearly see.

So we already did an unintentional model example of how we react when our daughter says I hate you, we think she’s disrespectful and then we end up being disrespectful.

Once you see that clearly, you move to the Intentional Model. This is where you choose, on purpose, how you want to think, feel, and show up.

You can use it in so many situations:

• Before having a difficult conversation.
   

• When you need to ask for something but feel nervous.
   

• If you’re dealing with social anxiety, like showing up at your kid’s friend’s birthday party where you don’t know anyone.
   

• When you want to yell less at your kids.
   

• If you’re working on losing weight or going after a big goal.
   

Any time you feel stuck or unsure, The Model helps you get clear on what’s happening in your mind, and then decide how you want to move forward with intention.

So here is the example of the Intentional model (which you will plan ahead of time) related to the example of the daughter saying “I hate you”:

• R (Result): Use this as an opportunity to connect and understand.
   

• A (Actions):
   

  • Pause and take 3 deep breaths.
     

  • Get down to eye level.
     

  • Say: “I can see you’re really upset. Tell me what’s going on.”
     

  • Offer a boundary later if needed: “I won’t accept being spoken to that way; we’ll talk when you can use kinder words.”
     

• F (Feeling): Calm
   

• T (Thoughts to generate that feeling): “I can stay calm and be helpful.”
   

Practice this intentional model ahead of time. When the moment comes, you’re not reacting in the heat of it — you’re following a plan.

 

Example 2 — Weight-loss goal: Lose 5 lbs in 5 weeks

R (Result): Lose 5 lbs in 5 weeks.
A (Actions):

• Plan weekly meals every Sunday.
   

• Prep meals/snacks in advance.
   

• Replace sugary snacks with fruit or protein.
   

• Exercise 3× per week (30 minutes).
   

• Track food/portions.
   

• Process your emotions when you feel the urge to eat.  Asking yourself am I really hungry, or am I trying to avoid an emotion.  Take deep breaths.

• Stay hydrated.

• Use a habit tracker like the one I mentioned in a previous episode. I’ll make sure to link my free habit tracker in the show notes for you to use!
  F (Feeling): Determined.
  T (Thoughts): “Each choice I make brings me closer to my goal.”
   

 

 

So here are your Quick implementation steps (so it actually works)

1. Do an Unintentional Model for one recent incident (this week). Be compassionate — you’re investigating, not shaming.
    

2. Pick one result you want to create intentionally (keep it small and specific).
    

3. Build your Intentional Model (R → A → F → T). Write it down, rehearse it.
    

4. Practice the feeling: use breathing, posture, or a short mantra to get into the needed feeling quickly.
    

5. Review weekly: do a quick Unintentional Model for any hiccups, tweak your Intentional Model, keep iterating.
    

 

This is the whole point: awareness first, then intention. Use the unintentional model to learn what you’re unconsciously creating. Use the intentional model to design the life you want — and practice it until it becomes your new default.

This week’s challenge: pick one small problem (a 1-minute conflict, a habit you want to change, or a tiny goal), run an unintentional model on it, then create an intentional model and try it for 7 days. Notice what changes.

If you try it, I’d love to hear how it goes — write it in a review of this podcast or tag me @tanyavalentinecoaching. Your wins (and what doesn’t work) help other moms, too.

Alright, friend, that’s what I have for you today. Thank you so much for spending this time with me. I hope this gives you a simple but powerful way to approach the challenges in your life with more intention, clarity, and peace.

👉 If you enjoyed today’s episode, it would mean the world to me if you took a minute to rate and review the podcast — it helps more moms like you discover this message. And if you know someone who could use this encouragement, go ahead and share this episode with them. Because we are truly better together. I’ll talk to you in a couple of weeks! Bye!